“She is going to be just fine. She’ll be a late bloomer, but she’ll be fine.” 22 years later and the words spoken by a beloved mentor still resound in my head for I still have not blossomed. My spirit stirs, mixing a cocktail of anxiety, apprehension, longing, and bondage. There is somewhere I am meant to be, someone I’ve yet to become and still, I am torn. It is frustrating to know you are in search of something, yet you do not know exactly what it is. You only know that you have not discovered it. Each day finds me awakening with a renewed sense of purpose and direction. Ironically, I travel nowhere. Perhaps it is the fear of reaching the object of my desire that binds me – a mental roadblock or form of self-sabotage, if you will. My heart tells me I am destined for something even I could not have imagined. Yet, I disallow my search to extend beyond a certain point. I have always known achieving balance was a struggle for me. I am opposite sides of the same coin; fire and water, sun and moon, free spirited, yet highly reserved. It is a volatile recipe. Still, I have managed to find a safe space. It lends itself to me when I turn away from the outside world. Admittedly, I have not done this in quite some time. Perhaps, retreating temporarily would serve to grant me better clarity.
Moments like these sometimes catch me unexpectedly and throw me off my center. In the quiet, replays of countless opportunities lost while others were simply consumed by procrastination and waste. All the while, time continues to pass. I cannot afford to waste a second of any day on what might have been. My heart is longing to know what must be. Sometimes, the road to self-discovery requires a steep price. In many cases, it is the cost of relationships – be they companion, friend, or family. I do not know where my journey will ultimately lead me. At this point, I know it is time to prepare. Now is the time to shed the fear and step into whatever greatness is waiting for me. We all have greatness in us. Unfortunately, many of us allow ourselves to be stifled so that we may cower behind excuses as to why we cannot succeed. I have no excuse. I know I am accountable and only I can change the course I am on in order to get where I should have always been.
Plight of the Unicorn
I never know what I will pen until ink stains the page. It is a wildly exciting and frustrating feeling. Some would say I am one who is easily fascinated. Perhaps. The creator made me who I am. Thus, it is difficult to restrain my fascination with Pegasus, or my childhood belief that unicorns, like mermaids, do exist. I admit, rainbows make me smile and release a whispered thanks into the universe. What’s wrong with that? Perhaps what paralyzes most is that we take ourselves far too seriously. Sometimes, it is refreshing to stop and enjoy the simple things that make life so grand.
Have you ever stopped to appreciate your lawn for more than its curb appeal? Do you remember the last time you actually lay on a bed of grass? As a child, many daydreams were declared on a soft bed of green. The beauty of that green is in the fact that it lends itself to the comfort of bare feet, allowing us to reconnect with our rich earth. Next time you are out, stop to appreciate the greenery, be it tall, short, swaying or standing at attention. Not only is it a beautiful thing, it also serves as host to an entire world living beneath and between its blades. Surely that deserves more than one’s “nice lawn” observation in passing.
The world is beautiful around me today. Spring is on full display, sporting her brightest colors as birds croon. Typically, I am perfectly content on days such as these. This is a day where I actually observe nature’s beauty, taking delight in the intermittent airplay of dive-bombing bumblebees. My subconscious steals away to daydream on days like this. That is not the case today. Today, a heart hangs low. Breaking with sorrow, a girl grieves for one she loves dearly. I am reminded of the loss of a loving grandfather, gone now 22 years. To utter the words two decades renders the perspective of significant time passed. Yet, the space counted in years hold no great comfort for me. I am left with many unanswered questions. At this point, I can do no more than pack them away in an insignificant corner of my mind. Why insignificant? It is simple. I cannot afford to dwell in the corner long. Otherwise, a whimsical girl risks succumbing to the weight of sorrow and ultimately, ending up shrouded in it. For now, I shall delight in tall limbs swaying effortlessly as I remember the love of a grandfather. After all, he was a man whom, despite his faults (there were many), sacrificed to ensure his family would thrive and that his legacy would remain intact. Memories do not fade with time. I close my eyes and continue to see him that loved me tenderly.
Having been long encouraged by a dear friend, I decided to leap off the branch’s edge, fly the open skies and find a place to build my own little virtual nest. Here I am. When first developing this space, I wasn’t sure how to create it. I am still unclear of the direction in which my musings will lead. Nonetheless, where words lead, I must follow and with that established, I trust those of you perusing my pages find my humble space to your liking.
Come in. Leave your shoes at the door and let’s dive into everything. ~_~